The Magic of Fran’s Smile

There are still things I do that may seem strange after the death of a loved one.

When I can’t find pyjama bottoms I will wear Fran's.

They don’t fit me but I have not been able to give them away.

They are the pyjamas Fran dressed in after his bike ride every day and the pyjamas he slipped into after showering, the ones he was wearing when I found him dead.

They have little reindeer on them that say “rainbeer."

I remember how that made Fran smile.

His smile was one of those that was so bright and huge it lit up any room.

Sometimes I see people with that smile on television.

Julia Roberts has that smile.

I also often see someone at an event, and I am blown away by the power of their grin.

The other night I asked Fran to help me choose a movie.

My own mind was busy and I couldn’t land on anything.

He was always good at choosing movies for me.

One time I was in such a low mood and he said, “Baby let's watch Madagascar.”

Gosh that was genius!

I laughed and laughed and he was so happy to have cheered me up.

We especially loved the hippo Moto Moto.

I remember how he imitated him, singing to me....

“I like 'em big, I like 'em chunky.”

“Name’s Moto Moto, so nice you gotta say it twice."

And then he would beam again with that smile.

So, in asking Fran to help with a movie choice, for the first time since he passed I went to his profile on Netflix.

At first I was disappointed since everything seemed to be post 2020.

Well I know that wasn’t Fran!

But then I came across some earlier films, things we had watched together and my heart began to warm.

There are still things I do that may seem strange....

Like I still use the face roller he had ordered me as a surprise for Christmas, knowing how I had wanted one.

It came after he passed, in an Amazon package.

So surreal to receive that gift when his physical self was no longer here.

Like I am unwilling to change our car.

Afraid to let go and start with new wheels.

There is a painting in my apartment that has been with me since the first-ever home we lived in together.

Fran bought it in Covent Garden one rainy afternoon as we took a stroll thinking about where we might live.

In buying the painting we knew the home would soon follow.

Sure enough it did.

That painting was perfect for the place we found and it is also perfect for where I live now.

It is a painting of the Chrysler Building in New York City.

The colours are warm and sultry.

It makes me smile to see it shine even though it now outlives Fran.

Interestingly people have been asking me about death lately, I guess it’s on their minds.

Maybe it’s on all our minds and we just don't know it?

I tell them what I know to be true.

That in our passing there is only love.

That it seems to me a space where we finally drop all resistance and align once more with who we really are.

That All is forgiven.

No need to hold the grudge.

That we must not fear death, be that our own or those we love.

We are totally equipped for this transition.

And in the end those that go continue to pour their love upon us all from a miracle-centered mind.♥️