I am thinking of the day Francesco died.
My posts keep going back to death but death and love is all I can currently share.
I had met him on the high street likely 15 to 20 mins before he died.
He was in a car with his friend , they’d just completed a bike ride.
I was preoccupied because I’d no signal on my phone and was due to meet a friend for coffee.
About to cross the road to go top up my phone, I heard :
There he was, Fran had stopped in traffic on the main street, rolled down his window, waved & blew me a kiss.
I remember thinking:
“Oh my god I hope I look ok”.
“I hope he’s proud of me in front of his friend”
“I don’t really have time to stop”
My mind was so revved up & the dialogue had a tendancy to be highly self-conscious, critical and urgent at such times.
Fran told me he loved me and that I was beautiful every single day…..
Quant e bella amore Mio How beautiful you are my love.
The trouble was I often couldn’t hear it over the insecure noise in my head.
So in those minutes before he passed away, we would briefly meet in the busy high street.
He’d blow me a kiss and I’d blow one back all the while hoping I looked ok.
I think now about my innocent lack of presence in that moment, in so many moments, where I got concerned about how I looked or how I measured up.
I think about how with a revved up mind that’s always jumping ahead we can make mistakes in love and life.
We can miss the present moment & the love right in front of us.
How often many couples don’t see this state of mind and instead think their love has come to an end.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this, I just feel moved to emphasize the beautiful being you already are and the incredible love you already have, despite the dialogue in your head!
How free our lives are when we’re not bothered about appearing a certain way.
When we’re not rushing ahead.