By the time I got to the hotel, having missed my connecting flight, it was evening and I was glad to find my friends and colleagues inviting me to dinner with them.
“You look thin and anxious Grace is everything ok”? Asked my fellow coaching apprentice.
I was and it wasn’t.
Life was very stormy in the weeks and months prior and although my coach had warned me I might go through a bit of a transition in my biz during my apprenticeship, I wasn’t quite prepared for the level of uncertainty that was hitting me.
In the years earlier everything had been pretty smooth sailing and constant, I’d very easily set up a blog, then a website then a coaching business and been helping people, travelling the world and making a great income.
But somewhere along the way I started feeling bored and tired, not so inspired and wondered if this was all there was to life?
Sure, it was great flying first class, staying in 5 star hotels, having clients come to you , never having to think about money and buying anything you wanted.
But something didn’t sit right.
It was only when I attended a workshop where the speaker honed in on the subject of wellbeing, that I finally felt I had permission to put mine first.
Wellness had always been what mattered to me most, but being insecure back then I followed other people’s values and rules and made my need for rest and wellbeing wrong.
Instead glorifying the pursuit of more , more status, income and ultimately, more approval.
In waking up to what I’d been doing, a natural transition began and I decided that despite my rising success in that world, I would take myself off the competitive treadmill and look more in the direction of Grace with a capital G.
In doing so, as predicted, I got lost for a while.
This lost-ness showed up in my business, I didn’t know what to share anymore or whether I could still sell what I used to.
Then it hit my relationship, I didn’t know if we should continue.
Finally it hit my bank account with very little income coming in and banks on the phone demanding more.
The height of my “perdue” was in full swing by the time I got to Majorca for that weeklong retreat with my coach.
In fact so lost in thought was I that I even missed my connecting flight to the island, whilst sitting at the gate!
I look back now and see the innocence in what was going on.
You see this is what happens when we believe our insecure thoughts.
When we pay so much attention to what we think, we get lost.
When our whole attention is given to everything that’s going on in our minds, we can scare ourselves to death with uncertainty.
It wouldn’t be an issue if what we were thinking was sane , but for most humans it’s not, it’s a mix of criticism, doubt, self-evaluation and constant planning or worrying.
That was certainly my case back then and the impact on my life and biz was huge.
It seems to me now, from a place of greater perspective, that as humans we simply accept our habitual thoughts as reality and truth.
We think what we’re thinking actually matters.
Like nodding dogs we say yes to the habitual slur of never ending self-evaluation and insecure monologues that centre around our behaviour, who we think we are and what we should and shouldn’t have done.
To the point that we lose ourselves in these thought storms , feeling fearful and uncertain.
Why aren’t we questioning our thinking?
I think that’s the most powerful thing any human could do.
To be curious , rather than in agreement, about what’s passing through our minds.
We question everything else, from politics to terrorism to what we eat to Kim Kardashian’s latest whatever, the list goes on.
But there’s very little interest in the place where we experience ourselves and the outside world, thought.
As I began to question my own insecure thinking about what was happening in all areas of my life , I noticed something cool.
The system corrected itself and I came back to balance.
There was very little for me to do and even though at the time I couldn’t trust this and I kept trying hard to find solutions, what eventually happened is I woke up to what was really going on, Grace lost in a world of thought about her business, creating a feeling of uncertainty and stress from this thought and ultimately it having an impact.
What I’ve seen through my journey is that uncertainty and getting lost doesn’t matter anyway; the system is designed to bring us back home, back to balance, wellbeing and centre once again.
So often we think we have to do stuff to “fix it” , that we must be making a mistake or we don’t know enough, but that’s simply not true.
If we can remember that change is inevitable and that things go in cycles, that it’s normal to even get lost for a while and that uncertainty is just another part of the game and if we can simply disengage from all the self-evaluation and fear that we let rule our heads, we’ll hear our wisdom and be guided on what to do.
From this place we’re back to balance, a state of grace and home in truth.