The Courage To Leave
Nine weeks ago today I ended my relationship of four years.
I'm still counting because it has been one of the bravest things I've ever done.
It wasn't easy because I know this man loved me and I felt so guilty considering all the support he had shown me in the aftermath of Francesco's death.
But what should have been a temporary engagement turned into a longer haul situation where I began to question my ability to survive without him.
Can you relate?
When your well-being seems totally dependent on them.
My soul was alerting me at times of how this relationship was actually hurting me more than helping me but not being ready for any big change, I kept working on myself.
Bypassing the feeling I was living in and assuming (or hoping) it was all "just my thinking" and would eventually change.
Underneath I could still hear the small voice of Wisdom reminding me of what I wanted.
More depth, more honesty, more connection and more at ease.
I recall similar feelings in my day job as a school teacher, yearning for more and going to work wondering...
"Is this it, is this going to be my future?"
Feeling disappointed if it was.
I prayed for a change in that area and eventually I got it.
Leaving my job behind in 2011, moving to Italy and creating my dream career as a coach, I cannot even imagine myself back in that dreary school situation on a minimum salary and burnt out daily.
Again I found myself praying about the relationship, initially for things to get better but eventually for the courage to leave.
Nine weeks ago and after two coaching retreats that impacted me, the courage to let go finally rose up so high inside of me.
Finally I was able to make the brave decision to take care of myself, because that's what this ending was: an act of self-care.
Radical perhaps....
"Woman leaves man to protect her well-being."
Not many people will accept such a choice, "selfish bitch."
But better to lose them than to go against your own soul.
The simple truth I came to see is that the feeling we live in matters.
We deserve, at minimum to live in a feeling of safety, well-being, understanding and even love.
When we live there, we're home.
The season I'm in now is seeing I'm ok without a man.
This is my first time single in 20 years or so.
The learning curve is leaning on self-reliance and seeing that when the going gets tough, I will come out the other side.
And the going can get tough when you're making a change.
Change can be disruptive and come with a lot of extra thinking!
So, I am really taking care of my mind right now, receiving extra coaching, listening to Syd Bank's videos regularly and using Thought to paint a beautiful future.
For that's the power we all have....
We can use our thinking any way we like.
Including to reinvent our lives for the better, even after break-up or loss.