I had a message from someone telling me they didn’t think that her and I were made from the same stuff…
That if she was in my position she worries she wouldn’t have the resilience that I do.
That’s not true.
We’re all made from the same God-Stuff.
Sometimes I forget that too.
Like yesterday I went to the supermarket and almost broke down.
I’ve not really needed to go much since living with Francesco’s parents, they take care of all the cooking.
And if I’m honest I’ve avoided going, when I do I’m hit with a hard emotion.
You see I cooked for Francesco a lot of the time.
It was my way of nurturing.
I’d take care of supermarket trips, lunches, dinners, ensuring we were fuelled well.
Dining was a source of presence for us.
We both worked from home and coming together for food was a moment’s connection in a day of distraction.
Going to the supermarket yesterday I was stopped in my tracks when I saw his favourite jam.
I wanted to buy it, eat it, make it part of my breakfast but I couldn’t.
Instead I just stood there a bit paralysed looking at it.
I saw his face smiling as he spread that jam on his morning toast before a bike ride.
I heard his voice shouting ” Baby don’t forget the jam” as I ran out the door to do the shopping.
The memories came up strong and fast just standing there staring.
My trips to the supermarket often feel like a deer lost in headlights.
I see him and us everywhere.
I consoled myself saying “This won’t happen when you get to Ireland”.
“It’ll be easier there.”
But at the same time I know I don’t have to move countries or avoid the supermarket to feel ok.
That my God-Stuff can help me get through this all right where I am.
Sometimes we forget that we’re designed to go back to living in well-being.
Lately I’ve realised how much food and cooking was an important part of our relationship.
Sometimes when I’m really low I worry that I didn’t feed Francesco right or enough, that that’s why he died.
Of course it’s not true.
“Your brain’s lying to you Grace” I hear my coach say.
Sometimes I forget too.
Since we’re all made of the same God-Stuff we’re all hardwired to navigate the hard stuff.
And if my biggest fear comes true, that one day I simply breakdown completely in the supermarket, so be it.
I’ll handle it.
And soon enough I’ll get back to the kitchen cooking all our favourite dishes with love, just like I used to ❤️