Is it possible to be free in the face of illness, loss or death?
For a number of weeks after finding Francesco dead I relived that memory and began waking up with a pit in my stomach and a deep feeling of dread.
Understandably I’d forgotten that this feeling was an alarm bell about my misuse of thought.
Instead I attributed the feeling as meaning something awful about how he died, how I wasn’t there, how I will never survive this.
It was only after a phone call to my mentor where I shared about waking up anxious that she REMINDED me to pay attention to the feeling not the memory or thought.
As I paid attention to the feeling of anxiety and dread by simply following it (counterintuitive I know) and where it wanted to take me, I moved away from the memory or thoughts of the scene.
I felt calm.
Strange that in following the feeling even when it’s uncomfortable that we can find freedom.
Ever since then I’ve not felt dread when I relive the memory of finding my soulmate dead.
This is freedom.
Even in the face of life’s most challenging circumstances.
This is the power of knowing what we know about how the mind works.
I hope this helps you today if you’re someone waking up anxious or living with a habit of dread.
Just to say those emotions are always on our side, alerting us to our state of mind and how we are using (and in many cases misusing) thought
I would like to also honour my dear friend Max who not only broke the door down to get into our home but also found Francesco with me.
I don’t know if he wakes up with a pit in his stomach sometimes, I suspect he does but I hope he comes to know what I’ve come to know about that feeling because when we really see it we can experience freedom even in illness, loss or death. (Pic of Francesco and Max together)